Especially Needed

In two days, my son has a therapeutic evaluation after the first year of therapy : Physical, Occupational and Speech. This is the time when they evaluate Cody’s skills in all three areas and determine where his skills levels are-all except cognitive because they can’t find a way to determine that without him actually telling us in his case-he unfortunately can’t. Anyway, last night I received a call from his physical therapist-unusual for her to call at 7:15 in the evening. I answered it and was told that she would not be attending the evaluation this Wednesday due to a medical injury, but not only was she calling for that-but to tell me that Cody had only progressed to a 4-8 month level. When he was first evaluated for therapy we were told his motor skills were at a 3 month level- I was crushed. so utterly disappointed in myself for not being a better mom or trying harder. I went upstairs after the phone call, shoved earphones into my ears and cried, cried about the unfairness of it all, how there are people out there who can have kids normally or other teen “moms” who spend their time drinking and smoking and partying while they have healthy kids running around at home. I despised them all at that moment..I cried some more until I was able to calm down and talk to a friend who cheered me with his optimism and laughing. I did some homework and was pushed by my parents to go to sleep.
Today, his occupational therapist came and we did our usual therapy, as she was writing her write up summary of the day’s therapy, Cody and I watched Josh Groban’s “You Raise me up” on the laptop, he looked up at me with his big blue eyes and long curly eyelashes, his face was serious.. the OT looked astonished, mesmerized almost at  Cody’s big radiant eyes looking at me, I smiled and she said the following “wow, look at him! he just..has so much love for his mommy. look at how much he feels the song…like he’s saying it to you” I thought about it for a moment and really thought about what she said. As I was giving him a bottle I saw him look at me and noticed something I hadn’t seen before.. the blue in his eyes deeper than usual. he blinked at me and my heart melted. I kissed his forehead and he closed his eyes, leaning his head against me. I slowly layed him on the bed and patted his back. I kissed his head and whispered “I love you Cody..” and closed the door behind me. I’m happy to be Cody’s mom. happy that he’s special needs. because I know that I’m the one meant to speak up for him. He means the world to me, especially needed or not.