To all those who were following my blog regularly, I’ve moved and made a new blog, it’s called “Forwardistheway.wordpress.com” and it’s a more easy-going and nonchalant blog where I post all of Cody’s improvements and some of my daily life thoughts and struggles, feel free to come back and follow me there! thank you and have a wonderful night!
“Not being able to speak is NOT the same as having nothing to say” by Rosemary Crossley
I’ll start this out with the obvious, having a child with special needs is difficult. Then I’ll state the second most obvious answer, being a mom at 19 is even harder. But most of the little moments are worth it! Today was just one of those days where Cody was just so calm-very rare. He wasn’t sick or fussy, just content. Although I got no sleep due to studying for my extremely challenging abnormal psych exam on Wednesday, Cody woke up happy and now that I really think about it… I haven’t heard him cry all day…not once. It’s so surprising to me because it’s his only way of communication but it’s very pleasing to hear or in this case, not hear. In the afternoon, we cuddled on my bed he rested his back against me with his legs on mine and watched new youtube videos for toddlers, he seemed almost serene and that is just something you don’t find in a toddler, especially one who is 3 weeks away from two! We probably cuddled for about 45 minutes until he looked up at me with his big blue eyes and long curly eyelashes. He gave me a serious look so we stopped watching videos and called Aunt Paola, my older sister. His face lit up as he saw her and he wiggled like a worm from excitement. What surprised me most today is that his arms were so.. not stiff. They were as soft and manoeuvrable as they never have been because of his Dystonia. It truly made me so happy and I played with his arms as he giggled and laugh on camera. Fast forward a few hours and it’s bath time, because I don’t have class tonight and don’t start studying till later I wanted to bathe him instead of having my mom do it. Unfortunately for some time, he’s been dreading bath time at my house and it makes bath time unenjoyable for the both of us-but again- today he was so excited to be in the tub! I think the hardest part about having a special needs child is definitely bath time because Cody can’t sit on his own and I have to hold him up with one arm, hold myself with my chest against the side of tub and somehow manage to put shampoo on his hair, put soap on the sponge and rise/lather his body. Plus his little buttocks is so slippery that I sometimes have to put more weight against the tub to hold myself and him up! Anyway, back to story of bath time, he laughed throughout the whole thing, he splashed around like a dolphin and tried drinking the water and biting the colorful bath letters and numbers. His eyes were once again lit up and shiny, his grin big as ever exposing all 20 little sparkly whites of his and now that I’m sitting on my computer screen I get to thinking that these are the moments worth living for, even if it is harder than having a typical child, who walks and communicates with you. I honestly think it’s more of an adventure for both yourself and your child. Not only do you have a stronger bond, but you definitely have a much more special one.
In two days, my son has a therapeutic evaluation after the first year of therapy : Physical, Occupational and Speech. This is the time when they evaluate Cody’s skills in all three areas and determine where his skills levels are-all except cognitive because they can’t find a way to determine that without him actually telling us in his case-he unfortunately can’t. Anyway, last night I received a call from his physical therapist-unusual for her to call at 7:15 in the evening. I answered it and was told that she would not be attending the evaluation this Wednesday due to a medical injury, but not only was she calling for that-but to tell me that Cody had only progressed to a 4-8 month level. When he was first evaluated for therapy we were told his motor skills were at a 3 month level- I was crushed. so utterly disappointed in myself for not being a better mom or trying harder. I went upstairs after the phone call, shoved earphones into my ears and cried, cried about the unfairness of it all, how there are people out there who can have kids normally or other teen “moms” who spend their time drinking and smoking and partying while they have healthy kids running around at home. I despised them all at that moment..I cried some more until I was able to calm down and talk to a friend who cheered me with his optimism and laughing. I did some homework and was pushed by my parents to go to sleep.
Today, his occupational therapist came and we did our usual therapy, as she was writing her write up summary of the day’s therapy, Cody and I watched Josh Groban’s “You Raise me up” on the laptop, he looked up at me with his big blue eyes and long curly eyelashes, his face was serious.. the OT looked astonished, mesmerized almost at Cody’s big radiant eyes looking at me, I smiled and she said the following “wow, look at him! he just..has so much love for his mommy. look at how much he feels the song…like he’s saying it to you” I thought about it for a moment and really thought about what she said. As I was giving him a bottle I saw him look at me and noticed something I hadn’t seen before.. the blue in his eyes deeper than usual. he blinked at me and my heart melted. I kissed his forehead and he closed his eyes, leaning his head against me. I slowly layed him on the bed and patted his back. I kissed his head and whispered “I love you Cody..” and closed the door behind me. I’m happy to be Cody’s mom. happy that he’s special needs. because I know that I’m the one meant to speak up for him. He means the world to me, especially needed or not.
Today, I’m not gonna write something short or long, I’m just going to put down thoughts and I’m going to be less mature in my writing-so to speak. Well this week has just been different! Life as a mom really makes you think about life a lot-especially at my age. I made a friend this week, well we’ve been friends but more like acquaintances throughout high school. Honestly we’ve only talked once. In three short days, he’s become one of my really good friends! I might say it jokingly and I don’t know if he takes me seriously or not when I say it, but It’s really hard for me to make friends the way we’re becoming friends. Hopefully I won’t get my hopes up for something more and ruin it. Oh, how ironic! A song that basically explains how I feel about this situation starts playing on Pandora, If you want to check it out it’s called “Anywhere But Here” by Safetysuit. The lyrics are really on point too haha. Well I’m grateful that I’m getting to know you dude! You’re an awesome friend so far and you actually put a huge smile on my face every time we talk and snapchat. School is also keeping me busy especially with finals coming but thank God that they’re not cumulative-because that’s just hard. I’m not failing in math which excites me! it means I’m almost done with it!
Like I said, this post wasn’t going to be very serious just a course of how my week is going. Cody was really fussy for about 6 days- turns out his medicine was expired and wasn’t helping his muscles causing more stiffness, no wonder things were getting so tough.. he really does kill my energy! but it’s all worth it because love makes you do anything, especially for your little ones. I’m glad he’s on newer medicine now and he’s getting the benefits. Another thing about Cody is he’s hitting those terrible two’s because his birthday is in 6 weeks and I cannot believe it. His attitude is really starting to get harder to control and he just won’t listen! gahhh that little boy really drives me mad! I think I have bite marks all over my arms because of him! I’m smiling just thinking about it haha. I wish I could reach to more people with my blog, get more followers and just be able to talk to people who are going through a tough time. I just feel like I have to. I don’t know. It’s an instinct I guess. Now for cake browsing and birthday themes for my soon to be 2 year old!
have a great and blessed night!
What does Independence mean?. well if you’re looking for the dictionary definition then
Independence: freedom from the control, influence, support, aid, or the like, of others. and that’s just from dictionary.com. Today I realized just what being independent really means. All throughout this summer, I was infatuated with a guy who I met at community college. He was absolutely perfect to me in every aspect- boy what an overstatement that was. He -obviously- did not have a child as I did and had the freedom of a fly. He could go anywhere he wanted at any given time and to a 19 year old girl with not that kind of freedom it sounded like heaven. My parents have always restricted me more than my peers about curfews, how long I could be out and with who. I also have the unfortunate disadvantage to not have my license (yet!). Well, this boy always said I should demand for more freedom and get a job and go to school- become independent, just as he was, so I could “earn freedom” from my parents. For months I tried to get a job with no luck, being a mom really killed it because of my awful inflexible hours. This guy always nagged at me at not having enough freedom, so I pushed my curfew more-all for this guy. He was never worth it, I was so in it for him and he just wasn’t, he told me things like “you’re not THAT attractive” and “I don’t really like you THAT much” for lack of better words. he used me. The independence I thought I wanted was the one where I could do whatever I wanted, whenever I pleased. Where my parents couldn’t tell me what to do, but for what? why do I wanna hang out pat 2am anyway? what is there to do-nothing. Today I saw my son stand with some assistance for 3 seconds. 3 whole seconds he was standing, the longest 3 seconds. He also ate in his high chair with both hands-fed himself. he was alone there eating his cheerios as if it were an every day thing. THAT is true independence, being able to STAND alone or WALK alone or talk for yourself. that is the true meaning of independence. I’m glad I realize it now and I’m grateful to have that independence, so I can help my son become independent. one day, he will.
I hope everyone had a wonderful thanksgiving and black Friday! although my thanksgiving was a little bit too simple and not like other thanksgivings, I really enjoyed it thoroughly! We spent time with my family at the house then took Munchkin to his dad’s house so he could see his daddy’s side of the family. They are all really fond of me and I’m actually glad I went because I’m very fond of them as well. I love the nieces (M and K) I can’t believe how much they’ve grown and developed-I’m surprised they still remember me! especially K since I haven’t seen her since she was 9 months and now shes 13 months! she’s standing and trying to take a few steps it’s absolutely adorable! It’s such a big different holding her up as opposed to Cody because I have to use all my strength to hold Cody up while I can just support K with the tips of my fingers!
But you know, all babies are different! I’m so thankful for having such a supporting and helpful family, I’m thankful for my few true friends who stick by me through thick and thin, I’m so thankful for a warm home, good food and good health.
but most of all, I’m thankful for Cody being in my life- I’m glad he came when he did because he truly turned my life right back up! I don’t know where I’d be without him now. I thank God for all these precious blessings!
Have a terrific rest of the weekend!